Building Resilience by Embracing Fear and Uncertainty

No one escapes life without facing adversity, whether in school, our careers, relationships, or health. Yet, most of us do everything in our power to avoid challenges, take few risks, and keep ourselves from showing vulnerability. Why is that? Often, it comes down to fear and uncertainty. The truth is, these feelings are natural part of life. Without them, we would all lead boring, monotonous existences. Decades of research show that dealing with life challenges and adversity is actually what gives our lives meaning.

For the past 25 years, I’ve lived in the space between life and death – an uncertain, sometimes terrifying space filled with fear. I have fought cancer, not once, not twice, but four times. The first diagnosis came just four days prior to my 25th birthday, and the most recent was a couple years ago.

The first encounter with cancer was a turning point for me. It became the catalyst for finding deeper meaning in my life and ultimately led me to pursue research on how individuals adapt to, and live with, cancer. In many ways, cancer wasn’t just something that I had to fight; it became something that reshaped how I view challenges and what it means to truly live.

As a Professor at UConn, I teach courses on death and dying, as well as living with chronic illness – topics that many students finding difficult to discuss. In the Western world, these subjects are often considered taboo and rarely come up in everyday conversation, primarily due to the fear and uncertainty they evoke. I encourage my students to push beyond their comfort zones, to grow and develop by confronting their fears and challenges head-on. Sometimes, the uncomfortable becomes more manageable, and even empowering, when we face it directly.

Through my personal experiences and research on adaptation and recovery from illness, I have identified three key characteristics of resilient people, which are the focus of this blog.

Control what you can control. Major life events often strip away a sense of control, affecting relationships, work, finances, health, and more. Regaining control over what we can is essential for our well-being and helps us feel secure and capable of adjusting. However, trying to control the uncontrollable only leads to frustration and emotional exhaustion. My father used to say, “Focus your energy on what you can control and let go of what you can’t – it is a waste of your energy.” Think of your emotional energy like a car’s gas tank. It is limited, so spend it wisely. Though it’s hard, focusing on the controllable can help you accept disappointments. For example, when chemotherapy meant losing my hair, I chose to shave it on my terms, turning it into a fun moment with my friends. I couldn’t control the hair loss, but I could control how I faced it.

You have the power to focus your energy on what you can control – such as making healthy choices, educating yourself about the stressor, being involved in decisions, and choosing the relationships that you maintain, while letting go of what you can’t control. This shift in mindset takes practice, but its impact on your mental health and resilience can be truly liberating.

Understand the difference between a reaction and a response. A reaction is quick, impulsive, and driven by emotions, which are regulated by the amygdala, a part of the brain responsible for fear, aggression, and the fight-or-flight response. In life or death situations, the amygdala helps us make fast, crucial decisions. However, in non-life-threatening situations, it can sometimes lead us to make poor choices. Think about those moments when you reacted impulsively and later regretted it - we have all been there.

A response, on the other hand, comes from the prefrontal lobes, the part of the brain responsible for higher cognitive functions like reasoning, judgement, problem solving, emotion regulation, and impulse control. In life-threatening situations, we want the amygdala to take charge, but when dealing with conflicts like a fight with a spouse, a poor performance review, or a life-altering diagnosis, a thoughtful response is more likely to lead to a positive outcome than an impulsive reaction. So how do we do this? The answer is simple: slow down, hit pause, take a few deep breaths, and wait for the rush of stress hormones to subside before responding.

Here is a homework assignment. The next time you argue with a loved one, type your immediate reaction on your phone, but don’t hit send. Wait 24 hours, then reread it. Ask yourself if you’d still want to send that message. One important life lesson my father taught me is knowing the difference between fighting to be right and fighting for what is right.

Find that person who believes in you. One key lesson from Ann Masten, a professor of child development at the University of Minnesota, is that resilient children often have one person who believes in them and provides support, even in tough times. In a survey of thousands, Harvard psychologists found that the secret to happiness wasn’t money, a perfect job, or owning a house – it was social connectedness. Humans are social beings, and meaningful relationships are vital to both resilience and happiness.

For me, that person was my father. Until his passing in 2019, he was my biggest supporter, through cancer treatments, a difficult divorce, graduate school, and parenthood. He grounded me, encouraged me, and was always there, day or night. Most importantly, he believed in me and wasn’t afraid to walk through the mud with me when life got tough.

To wrap up, everyone is facing some form of life stress, some bigger than others. By focusing on what you can control, responding thoughtfully rather than reacting impulsively, and identifying that one person who believes in you, you can strengthen your ability to navigate life’s obstacles. Resilience isn’t about eliminating fear and uncertainty, it’s about learning to embrace them and continue moving forward despite them.